I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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