remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
