I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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