alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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