My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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