Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
