My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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