I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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