Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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