a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
