First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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