3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
