I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
we're so committed to being not committed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
