If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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