Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
