closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
