I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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