New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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