sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
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No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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