When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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