My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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