We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
