The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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