Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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