The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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