You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
