I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
