I want to have your abortion
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A bitchslap is in order.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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