just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
