I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
