moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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