I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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