I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
