Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
