I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
