He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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