So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
