i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
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