Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
