i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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