I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
