saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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