Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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