i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
