This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
