I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
