so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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