So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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