pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My life is pants optional.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
