oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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