She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
