booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
