whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
