Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
