Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
