Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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