I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
